June 19, 2008

#19: Coco Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

The electricity has been not so good and so good to us lately. We have received more than 18 hours of electricity for some days in a row, but there are nights when it goes out for more than 5 hours straight after the sun sets. There is not much to do when dark sets in, the candles can only provide so little light for a small area of the room. I’d have to light 10 candles to brighten up the room and with my clumsiness and vision, that isn’t such a great idea. Sometimes I’d light one lonely candle sitting on top of a rustic looking empty wine bottle, lie back on my bed and look up at the illuminating candlelight glow on the ceiling. The silent pause gives me a moment to reflect back on my day, my living and working situations, and my life. I think about loved ones, past and future relationships, and people that stood out in my 28 years of life. I dream about my past travels to Asia, America and Europe; my journey as a spiritual being here in Nigeria; and my future destinations that await. I analyze my character: the best and worst things, my strengths and weaknesses, how I view the world and its inhabitants. My body is constantly studied, as it goes through a major transformation, realizing that the permanent flaws of my physique is what is beautiful and very much a part of who I am. This happens mostly when I lie back on my bed, looking up at the illuminating candlelight glow.

The worst of my character has come out at times. I find these times not dark, but intriguing. Where has the opportunity to grow that character flaw come from? Genetics? Nuturing? Or Nature? I have no one else to focus on, only myself. I have time to sit back and reflect on my attitude towards something and think about the best way to overcome it. I get frustrated when something does not go my way and I get emotional pretty easily. I feel sometimes I could lose my insanity. The flight prices on the internet have never looked good for a one-way, no return ticket. There are fragile items around here that I could easily pick up, throw and break it. It isn’t in my nature to want to do that, but the challenges I face every day make me want to commit myself to the nut house. Perhaps near as crazy as Jack Nicholson was in “It Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”.

There are times in your life when you really need to sit back and reflect on yourself, how you deal with situations, how you view the world and most importantly, learn how to love yourself. It’s more a challenge with the latter – with no time for themselves, people forget to look in the mirror and be grateful they were born on this Earth. Love thyself, before you love others. I have found that by reflecting on my person, and working hard to lose weight has really made me more appreciative of who I am, how I have helped others and how I show my love.

I don’t really see birds around here. The last time I saw a flock of birds was at the Waziri’s ranch. He is the lieutenant governor of this state. He raises pigeons for whatever reason I have not figured out, but they remain in the pigeon shed. I don’t see any crows this time of the year, I’ve seen a few perched on boabao and eucalyptus trees that line up along the interstate out of Birnin Kebbi during the early months of the year. Perhaps it is too hot, so the birds flock down South where it is more cooler. The mosquitoes and the cockroaches are amiss, too. They came in droves and infested my house when I first moved in. When I arrived home after traveling Nigeria for three weeks back in May, I found several dead cockroaches but nothing was moving. The heat has dropped one farenheit degree every couple of days lately, and it has finally rained two days ago after one month of a hot drought.

Everything seems so eerily calm. I shrug off the problems, and decide the best approach would be just to sit back, ponder about the next thing I could do to make this situation better. Dreaming of what is to come in August, and what fortunes the future could bring.

Light a candle wherever you are, and sit back, watch the illumination of the candlelight glow on your walls and ponder your existence.

Tactile love,

Coco

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